The Cafe

I open my eyes.

I do not know where I am. It seems to be some kind of cafe. There are customers and staff meandering about. People laughing, and conversing. The bustle of dishes colliding and servers taking orders.

Someone is calling my name.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey! Glad you could make it!"

Dorge Kas sits at a table in the corner, beside a large window. He is waving his arms and beckoning me to the table. I walk over and sit down.

"Hey, did you have any trouble finding the place?" he says.

"I'm... Where am I? How did I even get here?"

He Laughs. "Rough night pal?"

"I guess so... What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you, whats it look like? I thought we should discuss a few things. It's such a nice day out!"

It is indeed a nice day. Through the window I see a calm street with a few passing cars. The sun is shining and the warmth of it through the glass is comforting. It seems to be Spring, which is confusing for some reason.

"Lets get something to drink" He says. "Miss!"

A woman glides to the table. When she arrives I realize she looks exactly like Cate Blanchett... except that she is dressed as a waitress. She has pointy elvish ears. Dorge does not seem to notice this as he orders us two beers.

"Dorge, you know I don't drink."

"Trust me, you'll want to drink today." he says with a grin.

Cate Blanchett glides away and then returns with the drinks.

"Is there some kind of Tolkien fair in town or something? Why does she have elf ears? And why are they serving beer at this cafe?"

"What're you talking about?" He looks at me as if I have sprouted another head. "Whatever, anyway, the reason I asked you here... Was that I wanted to tell you that you were right."

"Excuse me...?"

"You were right!" He exclaims. "About so many things! For instance... Venom... He really shouldn't be ten times the size of a normal human. He should be large sure, cause he's a big guy right? But not frickin building sized you know? I don't know what I was thinking."

As his words begin to sink in... I suddenly find myself considering the beer, but push the thought aside.

"Well that's... I mean I'm glad we agree but... are you feeling alright?"

"Hah! I'm great!" he nearly yells "Never better! Hey, would you like some gum?"

He pulls a package of gum from his pocket and offers the open end to me. My 5th grade teacher walks by and waves.

"No thanks I'm fine... Was that Mrs. Dav...Wait a minute... You hate gum. You despise the very thought of it."

"Nonsense!" he yells while stuffing four sticks of gum into his mouth. "I fucking love gum... what're you crazy?"

Dorge proceeds to stand up and sing the anthem from an old gum commercial. "GIVE YOUR BREATH LONG LASTING FRESHNEEEEEEEEEEESS... WITH BIG RED!!!"

No one seems to notice his outburst. He sits down laughing maniacally. I suddenly feel very uncomfortable.

rrrriiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnggggggggggg...

"Dorge, this is a nice place and all, but I think I'm going to head out... I'm not feeling so great."

"And Watchmen!" he ignores me "I reread your "Watching the Watchmen" post the other day, and I thought what the hell, I'll give it another shot... and you know what? You were right! The movie is EXACTLY like the book! Except that the ending to the movie is SO MUCH BETTER. HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED IT!?!"

He begins to take on a crazed, semi-violent look in his eyes. I look around the room for innocent bystanders, fearing that this is one of those moments just before someone snaps.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGG!!!!

"Did you hear that?" I say.

"You hungry?" He absently asks, apparently not hearing the weird bell sound.

"Not really." I respond

"Excellent. Miss!" He yells "We'll have two slices of pie please."

Cate Blanchett returns, this time in a long white gown. She is glowing faintly. She places upon the table two slices of some unidentifiable pie, bows, and glides away.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGG!!!!

"God is that in my ears or what?"

"Look..." Dorge says while slicing up the pie. "You and I haven't always seen eye to eye right? So these recent revelations... they've made me think back and consider some of our other disagreements. So I thought we could look back and maybe set the record straight."

He puts down his fork and reaches into a backpack, pulling out a volume of pages that couldn't have possibly fit inside the pack. It's cover is dusty and etched with strange runes.

"This is the Tome of Disagreements. A record of all our battles. I used to keep it just so I could look back and laugh at how wrong you are. But now..."

As he places his hand upon the cover a sickly green glow begins to spread from the book.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGG!!!!

"Perhaps we can find some common ground and..."

He stops mid sentence.

I look around the room. Suddenly the cafe is empty save for the two of us. The sounds of life have faded, and outside the window it is pitch black. Dorge's eyes have also become black. He grins at me like the devil.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" he says.

Suddenly I'm swimming in blackness. After what seems an eternity my eyes adjust, and I realize that I am in my bedroom. My phone beeps at me. I have one missed call from Dorge Kas, and a voicemail.

"Hey, it's Dorge, its aboooout 3:15 AM, and I just reread your "Watching the Watchmen" post. I just wanted to make sure you know that you're still a fool for enjoying that swill. It's sad, and I pity your offspring. Sleep tight."