Uncle Jim

Ever have those random, seemingly meaningless memories that just stick with you forever? I have a few. A particular sunny day I spent lying around in my parents front yard playing with Thundercats action figures. The first day I rented Legend of Zelda. Sleepovers at a friend's house spent building blanket / box forts. That time when I put my arms through the hand holes of a Kroger bag and jumped off my front porch like it was a parachute...

I'll open this with one such memory.

It may not have been the first time I heard it... But the first time I REMEMBER hearing the song "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult, I was riding in a vehicle with my Uncle Jim. I was probably about 12. We were pulling his boat behind, and heading for a lake in North Carolina where he lived. My parents were following behind in their vehicle. We were spending a holiday weekend at his home. Windows were down. Music was loud. And even then I couldn't help thinking "Man, the guitar solo really ruins the mood of this song..."

Jim was my father's older (and only) brother of 6 siblings. He was an eternal bachelor who never married and never had any kids of his own. When I was very young he moved away to North Carolina but he came home often, and I like to think we were fairly close. He always treated me as if I were much older than I was in our discussions, and I recall that he always came up with the most interesting Christmas gifts. things that you wouldn't imagine a young child enjoying, but I however, always found great joy in them. One particular year he brought me a gold pocket watch... the windup kind. I still have it.

Uncle Jim passed away when I was 17. A victim of cancer after a battle of several years with many ups and downs. He was only a little over 10 years older than I am today.

When he was diagnosed, I was still too naive I suppose, to really understand yet what that meant, or what kind of a battle it really was. I remember my dad sat me down to have a serious talk about it. I asked if it was bad, and at the time it was not. He was expected to make a grand recovery. Which he did several times.

Jim's reaction to the news was to be utterly and completely unaffected. He went to his treatments, took care of his health, and did what he was supposed to do. "Cancer? Pftt... No big deal." was his general demeanor. I remember he even bought a new car. Some sporty little thing. And throughout the years and the troubles he went through, when I was around at least, he never showed any sign of cracking. And before you knew it, his cancer was gone, and everything was fantastic.

I wont go into the lengthy details of his battle... because that is not the point of this.

The last time I saw my Uncle Jim alive, he was in a hospital bed in Charleston. His health had deteriorated to the point that he felt he should move back to West Virginia, and he had been hospitalized for a particularly rough patch. I am ashamed, and eternally regretful to admit that I did not visit him as much as I should have. The sad truth is that it disturbed me to do so. As I grew older, the word "Cancer" became a terror to me. A scourge of nightmares where someone tells me I am dying from the inside out. The very thought of it unnerved me. And it terrified me to see my uncle as he had become.

This is something I will never forgive myself for.

But that last time that I saw him, we had a nice talk, as we always did. He never acted like a dying man. Just uncle Jim, hanging out with his nephew. I remember that he said something inspirational to me. I'm sad to say that even though I can still remember the sound of his voice (I always wondered if something like that fades over the years after you lose someone) I unfortunately cannot remember exactly how he put it. But the gist of it was "Don't ever let anything keep you from enjoying your life."

He did not say this to me as if he were a dying man making a request. There was no hand clasping, and no dramatic music. No tears. No burst of emotion. He said it to me as if I were saying to you "Hey, you might wanna tie your shoe before you walk up those stairs." I said that I would not.

He also gave me his guitar pick. (My uncle was also an amateur guitarist like myself).

The significance of the pick is something that honestly, I did not consider until quite a bit later. Why would a dying man in a hospital bed have a guitar pick? In my mind, it was as if he randomly produced it from the depths of his pocket as I so often do. But I realize now, that he had it because he meant to give it to me.

The pick was a bit thin (I typically play a medium because I have a terrible habit of strumming way too heavy handed) and so instead of using it (and immediately destroying it by doing so...), I decided to just keep it, as I keep so many other things.

About a week after this meeting, my father called me at my grandparents, and informed me that he had passed on. I had purchased a Tom Petty album that very day called "Echo" which contains a song called "Room at the Top".

It's funny how music finds a way to be potent and relevant at a particular moment in time.

As for my uncle's request to appreciate life as it is, and not for what you think it should be, it took several years for that lesson to sink in. Everyone has their ups and downs I suppose. Even Uncle Jim. But it did eventually settle in my mind that no matter what stupid little dramas are going on in life, most of it really isn't worth getting all that upset about. And so I do not. I'm not sure that I've ever been "depressed" so to speak. But at this point in my life I cant say I would know or remember what it would feel like. Nor do I have any interest in ever knowing. I wouldn't exactly say that I'm elated when I open my eyes in the morning. There are always things that could be better. But at least I have that chance to do something about it, when so many do not.

Anyway, I'm not a believer in any particular religion or faith, and while the afterlife is a pretty notion, I cant say that I'm exactly convinced. But just because I do not believe, I suppose that doesn't mean I cant hope that I am wrong. And so in honor of my father's brother, who never let anything get him down, I dedicate this meager little Internet post to my Uncle Jim wherever he may be, and whatever he may be doing. Hopefully it involves something cool.

Like ninjas.

Ninjas are cool.