I never really expected to amount to much in life...
I was an aspiring writer who was too lazy to write. An aspiring sketch artist who never really had the talent to merit continued work. An aspiring musician who grew to hate playing music. All of these things were products of my youth, and their excitement burned itself out by the time I was 25.
I spent the latter part of my 20's playing video games, and working in an office. I didn't hate the job. Didn't love it either. But it paid the bills. And the games kept me blissfully sedated and mostly unaware of how much I despised everything.
Everything about me was pretty average and unexciting. Until everything changed.
For now, I'll tell you how I came to be standing outside this bank in the rain, about to do something very illegal... about to finally make a name for myself.
I rolled into my 30's without much fanfare. Life continued as it always does. Work, home, video games, feed the dog, sleep, repeat. The monotony of it never got to me. In fact I loved it. But at some point I started wondering about my legacy... What would I be leaving behind in this world? I call myself an agnostic, for the simple fact that it implies to people that I don't give enough of a shit about their views on god to even argue about it with them (Doesn't stop most of you... But you cant blame a guy for trying.), but if we're being straight up honest, I really don't believe in anything, or even entertain the possibility that I should.
So to me... when you die, you die. That's just how it is... Boom, game over folks.
And my game over was looking more and more like it would be quite uneventful.
Things got worse when I lost my job. Economy was rough... Unemployment only goes so far. My family was having it just as rough as I was. I didn't know what to do. Didn't know who to turn to. But that's when I discovered my special gift... and everything changed from that point on.
All the bills were overdue... I was going to lose my house if I didn't get things straight. Nobody was hiring people of my particular skills. So like many who are backed into a corner by the system, I started looking for other ways to pay the bills. Ways outside of the system... Outside of the law.
It started small... a gas station here or there... A jewelry store... I pulled off an armored car once. The thrill of it was getting to me. And so I decided to go bigger and bigger. Push my limits. See what I could really do. The jobs became higher profile, and I started to get a reputation around town as someone who could get things done.
The thing was, nobody could understand how I was doing it. I was never very subtle about anything... I didn't worry about alarms or police. Locks would open without me even touching them... Police in pursuit would suddenly crash their cars, or fall to the ground choking. It was like I was untouchable. Invincible. Nobody could figure out how I was pulling it off.
I was becoming a legend. A god.
I got wind of a job from a jewel fence I'd been working with... Aside from my type of smaller potatoes dealings, he handled some pretty high profile activity in town... Score of a lifetime he called it. "Right up your alley" he said. All I had to do, was get into the most heavily fortified vault in town, and retrieve a disc from a safe deposit box number 3127 for a very wealthy client. The reward was left to my discretion, so I jokingly threw out a number. "5 Mil. up front." I said "And another 5 on delivery." My fence didn't laugh. Didn't even blink. He just said "Let me make some calls." and an hour later the job was mine, and my bank account looked a whole lot different.
So here I am. Standing in the rain. 3 PM was the appointed hour. It is 2:59.
As the minute hand rolls over I begin walking. I stop at the door to shake the rain from my coat. Stepping inside I remove it and hang it on the coat rack by the door. I will not be retrieving it later. I am not concerned with leaving evidence. When I'm finished here, it will matter little.
I glance at the private security officers roaming the main room. They are armed and wary. I walk to the counter and a smiling woman in red asks me if she can help. I tell her that I am here to retrieve an item from a safe deposit (which has been set up for me by my fence). She calls to another employee, takes my info, and we begin walking.
Suddenly everything goes to shit.
Some punk kid has pulled a gun at one of the tellers. The next few seconds involve a lot of screaming. A gun goes off. I'm not sure who it belonged to. My escort drops to the floor and I run for the stairs. I know that he sees me go. The guards will be right behind me. Of all the fucked up luck.
I reach the deposit room floor but find that I'm barred by a key card door. There are sounds of people coming up the stairs behind me. Security has been alerted. It's now or never.
I turn back to the door and concentrate on the space between the door and the wall. I close my eyes and squeeze my fists tightly as the door starts to pop, crack, and finally collapse in upon itself from the built up pressure. Score one more for "special gifts".
I make a mad dash down the right hall toward the number 3 section, where I will find my safe deposit box. Unfortunately, because of the incident downstairs and the building wide alarm that I am noticing for the first time, I find the vault door locked. It is a thick steel door... I could pop it with my abilities, given enough time and concentration... small spaces are tough to visualize... especially when I'm being hurried. But larger spaces... Like the room behind. Those are much easier.
I step a safe distance from the door, but just as I'm about to start concentrating one of the guards rounds the corner and a shot is fired. These guys are playing for keeps...
He is a terrible shot, but his buddy behind him might be better... I don't have time for this...
They both level their weapons at me, and instinctively I pulled my hands up to shield my face... There is a 'whoosh' sound... and suddenly... Wash cloths.
The corridor is filled, side to side, top to bottom with a ten foot thick wall of tightly packed wash cloths.
I hear the muffled sound of their guns on the other side. But the bullets are useless against my power. And now I have time to deal with this door.
I kneel down and focus all of my energies within... I visualize the other side of that door, and start filling the room with as many wash cloths as I can possibly imagine. Seconds pass and I can hear the hinges on the door start to creak and buckle. I concentrate now on the spaces between the already tightly packed wash cloths. I will more wash cloths into those spaces. More and more until every centimeter of possible space has been filled. Then I pushed a little more.
The door buckles and topples outward. I grin, and with a thought the flood of wash cloths pouring from the room disappears.
I glance back at my protective wall just to make sure I didn't dismiss it as well, but find it to be perfectly sound. The gunshots have stopped... the guards must be standing on the other side trying to understand what just happened.
Entering the deposit room I immediately find the box I need and fill the spaces around it's door with wash cloths. The hinges pop and I see my prize. But, strangely... It's not a disc. It's a disk. A 3.5 inch floppy to be exact... Old if the label is any indication. I bring it closer to my face to read the fading ink label.
"Big Burl and his Big Burly Band?"... What is this shit?
Whatever. Pocketing the disk, I decided it was time to make my grand exit.
With a thought I dismiss my wash cloth wall. The stunned guards try to reach for their guns, but they immediately find that each of them has a wash cloth lodged in their throat. It's really hard to breath with a wash cloth in your throat. Several of their friend's meet the same unfortunate fate as I make my way to the roof exit.
Looking over the edge of the building I see that the police have arrived and are canvasing the exits. They think there is no escape for anyone inside. They neglect a small alley between the bank and the apartment building next door because there is no exit there, or in the back. I step to the edge of the roof and concentrate my power into the alley... a small row of stacked wash cloths begins to form at street level... it rises and rises up 6 stories until it reaches the roof.
After crossing my wash cloth bridge, I dismiss it and look back toward the building. Time to finish this.
This was the biggest undertaking I had ever attempted. But I had to know if it could be done. It was time that everyone knew what I was capable of. I closed my eyes, clenched my fists and began to channel my energies. From side to side, top to bottom... I tried to visualize every inch of the building I'd just left. Everything. I was going to fill everything.
My hands were shaking and I could feel that my nose was bleeding... At first I questioned if my ability was even working on this scale... But then I heard people yelling to get out... I heard screaming...windows popping... Foundations cracking... It was working.
It took longer than usual... But eventually I managed to compromise the structure of the entire building, and it toppled outward. Spilling into the streets as rubble and multicolored wash cloths. I would not be dismissing this mountain of fabric. It was going to stay right here as a testament to my power. From now on... Nothing could stop me. Nothing could stand in my way. I am a god.
It started so simple all those years ago... All I wanted was to find a clean wash cloth and I discovered I could conjure them at will. At first I thought it was the stupidest super power I'd ever heard of. But slowly I came around... Slowly I realized that it's not about 'what' you can do... It's about 'how' you use it.
In all the panic and confusion it was nothing for me to exit the building next door playing the part of the panicked bystander. I slipped away from the police barricades and news reporters. Down the next street to freedom. Smiling all the way.
"You did very well." came a woman's voice from the back of a car. It was the woman in red from the bank.
"You've passed my employers little test with ease. You even survived the wrench he threw in your plan."
The other robber. It had all been set up.
"Oh don't look so worried..." she said. "The deal is still on. The remainder of your funds have been deposited, plus a 10% bonus for the extra... inconvenience." she nodded toward the mountain of wash cloths. "I'll take the disk now, please."
I hand her the disk, and she hands me a card.
"Call us in two days time. There will be more work for you."
"What's on that disk anyway?" I ask.
"Personal matter from my employers past. It is best you do not inquire." She places the disk inside a black case and sets it aside. "Wont you be needing a code name or something? Isn't that how this works? Perhaps 'Wash Cloth Man'? Cloth King?"
I didn't like either of those.
"No."
I looked back toward the remnants of the building. The monument to my power.
"From this day forth, you can call me... Fabric Forger."
The End?
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Counter Offensive
Geeks... Nerds... Countrymen... I am so so ashamed of you right now. Most of you anyway.
You are whining, inconsolable children.
Your mother tells you she is making chicken for dinner, and you cry. "We had chicken last week mom! I'm tired of chicken!" So your good, saintly mother orders pizza instead. But when the delicious pizza arrives, they didn't put enough mushrooms on it to suit you, and there is too much sauce. You tell your mother you wished she had just made chicken instead.
Man of Steel people. Man of Steel.
You complained and complained about Superman Returns. You cried and whined that it was too beholding to the Donner movies. Lex Luthor again!? Why is this movie so goofy and cartoony? Why is Lex a real estate shark instead of a brilliant evil mastermind? Why does he have a posse of stereotypes following him around? What's with this chick and the dog? Why is Lois too god damn stupid to tell that Clark Kent is Superman? Why cant Superman actually fight someone that he gets to punch?
Let's get something out of the way up front folks. I am not a Superman fan. I did not read the books. I did not follow the stories. I didn't care about the character because he had nothing to offer me. He was a god-like blank, with the most generic idea of "good" that could possibly be imagined. In 1992, or 1993, whenever it was... When DC had the big "Death of Superman" event... even at the height of my comic collecting frenzy, I couldn't be bothered to buy it. Because Superman was dumb.
"What a boring character." I said.
Well I think I might be a Superman fan now because of this movie. And I hope that really pisses you people off.
Since I never followed the comics, instead I'm going to reference what everyone seems to think is the holy grail of Superman movies... Donner's Superman, and the Donner cut of Superman II. These I have seen many times, and never particularly enjoyed. Not because they weren't great films for their time. But just because it was Superman, and meh.
First of all, lets get the complaints I agree with out of the way... Lois Lane was definitely forced upon this movie. Someone said you cant have a Superman film without Lois Lane, and so they stuck her everywhere they possibly could and in several places they shouldn't have. I get the feeling that there was a conscious effort to "empower" Lois by at least making her seem tough by going dangerous places. But then they kind of forgot about that, and just had Superman saving her a lot anyway. It was a bit silly. They should have just met at the end of the film I would think. But whatever.
Johnathon Kent's death is... a little weird, and out of place. I didn't really like that at all. It was just a very strange scene. Also, the disaster porn at the end could have been toned down a bit, however I think it has merit, and I'll explain that later on.
Alright folks... Grab some popcorn, and get comfortable in your chair, because I'm about to punch some parts of the Weapon Mods review through a few buildings. Also, SPOILERS. Back off if you haven't seen this movie.
First order of business..."Russel Crowe has "must beat someones ass" in his contract"? You're god damn right he does. He's fucking Russell Crowe. If you can't appreciate that, why even bother seeing movies folks? I don't see anybody bitching about Sly Stallone or Bruce Willis having the same clause. Well, except for people who hate movies that is.
The opening sequence with Jor-El, accompanied by the AMAZING musical arrangement of this film, really set the tone of awesome from that point on. I liked that they gave Jor-El a reasoning for blasting his son into space other than "MY PLANET IS 'BOUT TO SPLODE!! GET OUT OF HERE SON!!!" by in essence making Kal-El and his family fugitives. I always wondered why the fuck nobody else on the planet had a little baby sized ship to get their kids (or maybe even themselves as well?) the hell out of there. Sure, Jor-El was a big shot scientist, but surely there were all kinds of other scientists there, and surely they would have some interest in preserving their race, and maybe venture a guess that 'sploding was about to occur. It was a nicely played little addition to the story, I think. When I sat down for this film I expected ten minutes of Russell Crowe as Jor-El. Maybe saying something inspirational to his kid and launching him away, and then some hologram shenanigans later on. What I got turned out to be one of my favorite moments, and characters of the whole film.
"The heat vision is overused, and the ice breath wasn't used"
Jeeeeeesus Christ. This is reaching. I'm not even going to dignify this with an argument other than to say that all of his powers were fairly well represented in my opinion, except for the ice breath. Probably because they thought it seemed a little goofy. Because it is.
Clark misusing his powers? I'm going to go ahead and refer you to the diner scene in Superman 2 where Clark returns after getting his powers back just to make a point. In the process he breaks this fool's hand, spins him at super speeds in a chair, then throws him along a bar counter into a pinball machine. But oh... Chris Reeve Superman would never ever fuck up a womanizing pig's vehicle...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nu3CLQm-SI
Next up, complaining about the acceptance of the outfit is just straight up petty nitpicking. Did you really need to see ten minutes of Jor-El explaining to us the significance of the uniform? It was discussed numerous times before the film was even released that the makers wanted to show a reasoning for the suit. They SHOW you that reasoning on Krypton at the very beginning of the film. Krytonians are a cape and armor wearing society, living on a planet with a harsh environment. The traditional "Superman" suit is shown to be a sort of underclothes for their normal armor, and the symbol is explained to be of some meaning. "Hope" in Kal-El's case.
"The audience gets beat over the head with the Superman Messiah mythos"
This coming from the man who told me himself, that Superman is supposed to be "better" than us, and never make mistakes. Not be dark and brooding.
And while we're on the subject of this bullshit "dark and brooding" thing... Where is all of that coming from internet? It's not like they made Superman emo. I mean the child version is a little iffy, but the dude is a kid who could rip bullies in half, but he has to constantly hold back because it's the right thing to do. He saves a whole school bus full of kids who torment him because he's weird, and even goes back to save the guy who just called him "Dick Splash" 5 seconds ago. Look, if I were him, I'd save the bus... But fuck that "Dick Splash" dude... His ass can drown. What is he supposed to do? You think kids wouldn't torment a child like Clark who had to separate himself from everyone like that? I've been to public schools, folks... Guess again.
And the adult Clark is no more dark and brooding than I am shiny and happy. Dude just wants to know who he is and why he's here. It doesn't seem all that unreasonable to me, and it seems very god damned HUMAN as well, for those of you who are complaining that he isn't human enough. Wondering where your place in the world is kind of seems like the most human thing there is if you ask me. Otherwise I've been doing the last 31 years of my life all wrong. It's a little convoluted how they allow him to come to these conclusions about himself (randomly finding a crashed Kryptonian space ship is a bit much...), but with the limited amount of time you have to tell a story, and the dwindling attention spans of people going to movies, you've only got so much to work with here.
But lets look at this "dark" thing on a more practical level...
DC and Warner Brothers obviously want to make a shared "Avengers"-like universe out of their flagship characters. They are practically drooling at the prospect of that kind of money (and yet, they are strangely cowardly about unveiling it... No post credits scene? Only tiny hints at future characters? Come on DC... Go watch Iron Man.). But in order to put all these characters together they are going to have to smooth out some edges of each respective group. I used to use a program to record guitar tracks called Goldwave. Within this program there were all sorts of options to tweak your sound and make things just right. There was one particular option called "normalize" which would take an average of the volume levels from all of the tracks you were mixing, and apply that to the entire song. That way if you played one track just a little louder than the rest, it would tone down to the levels and fit more coherently. What I'm getting at here, is that I think that whatever perceived "darkness" people are finding in this film is the result of DC normalizing their universe. Batman for instance has a pretty dark story and a dark city to go with it. It would be kind of weird for gritty, hard nosed Gotham City to exist in the same universe as "Gee Golly! Look, it's Superman!" Metropolis. I would expect a more... I hesitate to say "realistic"... but grounded take on all the characters to come. That is if the fanboys, and movie haters don't destroy this movie before it even has a chance. In which case we can all expect another Superman reboot in a few years with more cartoon character Lex Luthor, hair pieces, Superman never punching anyone and having absolutely no discernible personality.
Which brings us to the destruction of Metropolis... Which I've already said that even I thought was a bit excessive, but that I think it has reasoning. For those of you who think that there is never collateral damage when Superman battles powerful foes, I would refer you to his battle with Doomsday in the comics which lead to the supposed deaths of both characters (Which by the way... from all that I know, and I could be wrong, it is implied that they both died and that Superman was TRYING to end him because he knew that Doomsday would not stop if he didn't... that's going to be important later.). To support my claims, here are some images, both from comics, and animated films, of destruction that Superman and his enemies have caused that I found with the laziest of google image searches..
Technically I'm pretty sure these are from the same battle... Superman vs. Doomsday... But that is important because I think Zod is the film's version of Doomsday... A madman, with Superman's power levels, rampaging on Earth with no intention to stop.
I will also refer you to this clip from the vaunted Justice League Unlimited cartoon, of Superman cutting loose against Darkseid (Note the property damage...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cl_5UwS57X8
Now let's get to the part that has everybody crying that their pizza had too much sauce. Zod meeting his end at the hands of Superman.
Let's examine what's happening here...
From the moment that general Zod first sets foot on Earth, and Clark manages to expose his senses to the atmosphere by damaging his helmet, we are told one very important thing... The ONLY advantage that Clark has over this man is that he has spent 3 decades on our planet becoming accustomed to the way his abilities work. To Zod, all of this is foreign, and it is really all that Clark, a farm boy in his VERY FIRST FIGHT as a superhero, has to work with against this not only highly trained, but BORN warrior.
We're also told something else about Zod, if you're paying attention... and that is that he is mastering his abilities at an alarming rate. As each one manifests he is at first taken aback by them, but then immediately able to bring them under control. When his enhanced senses kick in he reigns them in by force of will. When his heat vision is discovered it is at first an uncontrollable blast... he then begins using it with precision. At first you only see him jumping over long distances and not actually flying, until he removes his armor and reveals that he has mastered flight as well. All of these scenes are important in telling you the story but without hitting you over the head with it by having Superman say "GEE GOLLY GOSH DARN! ZOD SURE IS MASTERING HIS ABILITIES FAST!!! FIDDLESTIX!!"
We're given this information to justify what Clark has to do in the end. Zod tells him in no uncertain terms that he will burn this planet down. And so Superman is given a choice... Sure he could drag the battle out longer, but he will eventually be overpowered by the vastly superior Zod. The only way to end the destruction, and save the people he wishes to protect, was to take the chance he was given and kill Zod. He feels terrible about that, and I'm sure that will be a plot point for future movies (again, if fanboys and movie haters do not destroy this) but it was what was necessary. There is no prison on earth that would hold him. Someone on the Internet suggested "Throw him into space or something."... Well... assuming that he couldn't just fly back, are you maybe saying to kill him by throwing him into the vacuum of space? Cause I think you probably just defeated your own argument. Freeze him with (ridiculous) ice breath? What? Forever? Is Superman to stand there breathing on General Zod eternally to insure that he never breaks free? I cant imagine that a little bit of ice is going to hold a pissed off Kryptonian general for long. What if Clark needs a drink or something? How much ice breath could he really use at any one point in time? Even if he could freeze him in an unbreakable block of ice, and bury him at the deepest point of the arctic where he could never ever ever break free... IS THAT NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING AS KILLING HIM!?!?!? COME ON!!!!
Now...
I think the destruction in this movie sets up a few important things for this universe. In the Marvel universe (which, lets face it people, is THE template now.) we are told that the arrival of Thor, and knowledge that "Gods exist." is a sort of turning point for the world, and that the alien invasion (Which caused massive property damage that nobody seems to complain about because Zach Snyder and Michael Bay weren't involved) is sort of that idea coming to full fruition... I think DC is putting their own spin on that concept in that Superman is their god AND alien. They show the destruction he could cause if he wanted to. They show him to be fallible. They show him trying to learn who he is, and how to be that man. I believe in future movies they will show him to grow into that picture of perfection that all of you "too much sauce" people are whining about... but the dude has been Superman for all of 10 minutes in this movie. Both of his fathers are dead, they both present him with a confusing legacy, and the only people who could possibly understand what he's going through have just showed up to terraform the place and kill all these pesky humans.
By the way, folks complaining that he "didn't save enough people"... He saved the whole god damn planet people. All of it.
Perhaps DC uses the destruction in Metropolis as an angle to justify the existence of more heroes. Perhaps they use Zod's death as an inevitable point of contention between Superman and Batman. Maybe there is no god damn plan at all... I don't know. But I do know that I enjoyed this movie, and I look forward to seeing it again.
Obviously, this is all in fun... If you simply don't like the movie, then you just don't like it. I get it. Everybody hates a few movies. My anger is really more directed at the entitlement of the audience than the dislike of the film itself. Someone like Weapon Mods who simply hates the director, and doesn't like the tone of the film can be forgiven for such things (Even if they are so so wrong.)... But you bastards who just hate it because it's a new Superman movie can just please never see a movie again, I'm tired of hearing from you.
Anyway... I'm tired of typing this. So whatever. Here's a camel.
Wait, no... I'm not finished yet...
I wanted to add an extra bit here... I think this is partially the movie industry's fault for throwing around phrasing like "A more realistic take on Superman". Stop calling your comic book movies "More realistic" hollywood. Some people can't tell the difference between "more realistic" and "DARK! MOODY! BROODING!" and that's what starts these flame wars against movies before they are even released. I think what they mean by "more realistic" is that Superman wont be using his body as railroad tracks in this movie, or flying around the planet so fast that he reverses time.
Okay... that's it. I'm done. /endrant
And one more thing... Where was all the bitching when this line was uttered in another DC movie from the last few years "I'm not going to kill you... But I don't have to save you."
okay... NOW I'm really done. /endendrant.
You are whining, inconsolable children.
Your mother tells you she is making chicken for dinner, and you cry. "We had chicken last week mom! I'm tired of chicken!" So your good, saintly mother orders pizza instead. But when the delicious pizza arrives, they didn't put enough mushrooms on it to suit you, and there is too much sauce. You tell your mother you wished she had just made chicken instead.
Man of Steel people. Man of Steel.
You complained and complained about Superman Returns. You cried and whined that it was too beholding to the Donner movies. Lex Luthor again!? Why is this movie so goofy and cartoony? Why is Lex a real estate shark instead of a brilliant evil mastermind? Why does he have a posse of stereotypes following him around? What's with this chick and the dog? Why is Lois too god damn stupid to tell that Clark Kent is Superman? Why cant Superman actually fight someone that he gets to punch?
Let's get something out of the way up front folks. I am not a Superman fan. I did not read the books. I did not follow the stories. I didn't care about the character because he had nothing to offer me. He was a god-like blank, with the most generic idea of "good" that could possibly be imagined. In 1992, or 1993, whenever it was... When DC had the big "Death of Superman" event... even at the height of my comic collecting frenzy, I couldn't be bothered to buy it. Because Superman was dumb.
"What a boring character." I said.
Well I think I might be a Superman fan now because of this movie. And I hope that really pisses you people off.
Since I never followed the comics, instead I'm going to reference what everyone seems to think is the holy grail of Superman movies... Donner's Superman, and the Donner cut of Superman II. These I have seen many times, and never particularly enjoyed. Not because they weren't great films for their time. But just because it was Superman, and meh.
First of all, lets get the complaints I agree with out of the way... Lois Lane was definitely forced upon this movie. Someone said you cant have a Superman film without Lois Lane, and so they stuck her everywhere they possibly could and in several places they shouldn't have. I get the feeling that there was a conscious effort to "empower" Lois by at least making her seem tough by going dangerous places. But then they kind of forgot about that, and just had Superman saving her a lot anyway. It was a bit silly. They should have just met at the end of the film I would think. But whatever.
Johnathon Kent's death is... a little weird, and out of place. I didn't really like that at all. It was just a very strange scene. Also, the disaster porn at the end could have been toned down a bit, however I think it has merit, and I'll explain that later on.
Alright folks... Grab some popcorn, and get comfortable in your chair, because I'm about to punch some parts of the Weapon Mods review through a few buildings. Also, SPOILERS. Back off if you haven't seen this movie.
First order of business..."Russel Crowe has "must beat someones ass" in his contract"? You're god damn right he does. He's fucking Russell Crowe. If you can't appreciate that, why even bother seeing movies folks? I don't see anybody bitching about Sly Stallone or Bruce Willis having the same clause. Well, except for people who hate movies that is.
The opening sequence with Jor-El, accompanied by the AMAZING musical arrangement of this film, really set the tone of awesome from that point on. I liked that they gave Jor-El a reasoning for blasting his son into space other than "MY PLANET IS 'BOUT TO SPLODE!! GET OUT OF HERE SON!!!" by in essence making Kal-El and his family fugitives. I always wondered why the fuck nobody else on the planet had a little baby sized ship to get their kids (or maybe even themselves as well?) the hell out of there. Sure, Jor-El was a big shot scientist, but surely there were all kinds of other scientists there, and surely they would have some interest in preserving their race, and maybe venture a guess that 'sploding was about to occur. It was a nicely played little addition to the story, I think. When I sat down for this film I expected ten minutes of Russell Crowe as Jor-El. Maybe saying something inspirational to his kid and launching him away, and then some hologram shenanigans later on. What I got turned out to be one of my favorite moments, and characters of the whole film.
"The heat vision is overused, and the ice breath wasn't used"
Jeeeeeesus Christ. This is reaching. I'm not even going to dignify this with an argument other than to say that all of his powers were fairly well represented in my opinion, except for the ice breath. Probably because they thought it seemed a little goofy. Because it is.
Clark misusing his powers? I'm going to go ahead and refer you to the diner scene in Superman 2 where Clark returns after getting his powers back just to make a point. In the process he breaks this fool's hand, spins him at super speeds in a chair, then throws him along a bar counter into a pinball machine. But oh... Chris Reeve Superman would never ever fuck up a womanizing pig's vehicle...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nu3CLQm-SI
Next up, complaining about the acceptance of the outfit is just straight up petty nitpicking. Did you really need to see ten minutes of Jor-El explaining to us the significance of the uniform? It was discussed numerous times before the film was even released that the makers wanted to show a reasoning for the suit. They SHOW you that reasoning on Krypton at the very beginning of the film. Krytonians are a cape and armor wearing society, living on a planet with a harsh environment. The traditional "Superman" suit is shown to be a sort of underclothes for their normal armor, and the symbol is explained to be of some meaning. "Hope" in Kal-El's case.
"The audience gets beat over the head with the Superman Messiah mythos"
This coming from the man who told me himself, that Superman is supposed to be "better" than us, and never make mistakes. Not be dark and brooding.
And while we're on the subject of this bullshit "dark and brooding" thing... Where is all of that coming from internet? It's not like they made Superman emo. I mean the child version is a little iffy, but the dude is a kid who could rip bullies in half, but he has to constantly hold back because it's the right thing to do. He saves a whole school bus full of kids who torment him because he's weird, and even goes back to save the guy who just called him "Dick Splash" 5 seconds ago. Look, if I were him, I'd save the bus... But fuck that "Dick Splash" dude... His ass can drown. What is he supposed to do? You think kids wouldn't torment a child like Clark who had to separate himself from everyone like that? I've been to public schools, folks... Guess again.
And the adult Clark is no more dark and brooding than I am shiny and happy. Dude just wants to know who he is and why he's here. It doesn't seem all that unreasonable to me, and it seems very god damned HUMAN as well, for those of you who are complaining that he isn't human enough. Wondering where your place in the world is kind of seems like the most human thing there is if you ask me. Otherwise I've been doing the last 31 years of my life all wrong. It's a little convoluted how they allow him to come to these conclusions about himself (randomly finding a crashed Kryptonian space ship is a bit much...), but with the limited amount of time you have to tell a story, and the dwindling attention spans of people going to movies, you've only got so much to work with here.
But lets look at this "dark" thing on a more practical level...
DC and Warner Brothers obviously want to make a shared "Avengers"-like universe out of their flagship characters. They are practically drooling at the prospect of that kind of money (and yet, they are strangely cowardly about unveiling it... No post credits scene? Only tiny hints at future characters? Come on DC... Go watch Iron Man.). But in order to put all these characters together they are going to have to smooth out some edges of each respective group. I used to use a program to record guitar tracks called Goldwave. Within this program there were all sorts of options to tweak your sound and make things just right. There was one particular option called "normalize" which would take an average of the volume levels from all of the tracks you were mixing, and apply that to the entire song. That way if you played one track just a little louder than the rest, it would tone down to the levels and fit more coherently. What I'm getting at here, is that I think that whatever perceived "darkness" people are finding in this film is the result of DC normalizing their universe. Batman for instance has a pretty dark story and a dark city to go with it. It would be kind of weird for gritty, hard nosed Gotham City to exist in the same universe as "Gee Golly! Look, it's Superman!" Metropolis. I would expect a more... I hesitate to say "realistic"... but grounded take on all the characters to come. That is if the fanboys, and movie haters don't destroy this movie before it even has a chance. In which case we can all expect another Superman reboot in a few years with more cartoon character Lex Luthor, hair pieces, Superman never punching anyone and having absolutely no discernible personality.
Which brings us to the destruction of Metropolis... Which I've already said that even I thought was a bit excessive, but that I think it has reasoning. For those of you who think that there is never collateral damage when Superman battles powerful foes, I would refer you to his battle with Doomsday in the comics which lead to the supposed deaths of both characters (Which by the way... from all that I know, and I could be wrong, it is implied that they both died and that Superman was TRYING to end him because he knew that Doomsday would not stop if he didn't... that's going to be important later.). To support my claims, here are some images, both from comics, and animated films, of destruction that Superman and his enemies have caused that I found with the laziest of google image searches..
Technically I'm pretty sure these are from the same battle... Superman vs. Doomsday... But that is important because I think Zod is the film's version of Doomsday... A madman, with Superman's power levels, rampaging on Earth with no intention to stop.
I will also refer you to this clip from the vaunted Justice League Unlimited cartoon, of Superman cutting loose against Darkseid (Note the property damage...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cl_5UwS57X8
Now let's get to the part that has everybody crying that their pizza had too much sauce. Zod meeting his end at the hands of Superman.
Let's examine what's happening here...
From the moment that general Zod first sets foot on Earth, and Clark manages to expose his senses to the atmosphere by damaging his helmet, we are told one very important thing... The ONLY advantage that Clark has over this man is that he has spent 3 decades on our planet becoming accustomed to the way his abilities work. To Zod, all of this is foreign, and it is really all that Clark, a farm boy in his VERY FIRST FIGHT as a superhero, has to work with against this not only highly trained, but BORN warrior.
We're also told something else about Zod, if you're paying attention... and that is that he is mastering his abilities at an alarming rate. As each one manifests he is at first taken aback by them, but then immediately able to bring them under control. When his enhanced senses kick in he reigns them in by force of will. When his heat vision is discovered it is at first an uncontrollable blast... he then begins using it with precision. At first you only see him jumping over long distances and not actually flying, until he removes his armor and reveals that he has mastered flight as well. All of these scenes are important in telling you the story but without hitting you over the head with it by having Superman say "GEE GOLLY GOSH DARN! ZOD SURE IS MASTERING HIS ABILITIES FAST!!! FIDDLESTIX!!"
We're given this information to justify what Clark has to do in the end. Zod tells him in no uncertain terms that he will burn this planet down. And so Superman is given a choice... Sure he could drag the battle out longer, but he will eventually be overpowered by the vastly superior Zod. The only way to end the destruction, and save the people he wishes to protect, was to take the chance he was given and kill Zod. He feels terrible about that, and I'm sure that will be a plot point for future movies (again, if fanboys and movie haters do not destroy this) but it was what was necessary. There is no prison on earth that would hold him. Someone on the Internet suggested "Throw him into space or something."... Well... assuming that he couldn't just fly back, are you maybe saying to kill him by throwing him into the vacuum of space? Cause I think you probably just defeated your own argument. Freeze him with (ridiculous) ice breath? What? Forever? Is Superman to stand there breathing on General Zod eternally to insure that he never breaks free? I cant imagine that a little bit of ice is going to hold a pissed off Kryptonian general for long. What if Clark needs a drink or something? How much ice breath could he really use at any one point in time? Even if he could freeze him in an unbreakable block of ice, and bury him at the deepest point of the arctic where he could never ever ever break free... IS THAT NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING AS KILLING HIM!?!?!? COME ON!!!!
Now...
I think the destruction in this movie sets up a few important things for this universe. In the Marvel universe (which, lets face it people, is THE template now.) we are told that the arrival of Thor, and knowledge that "Gods exist." is a sort of turning point for the world, and that the alien invasion (Which caused massive property damage that nobody seems to complain about because Zach Snyder and Michael Bay weren't involved) is sort of that idea coming to full fruition... I think DC is putting their own spin on that concept in that Superman is their god AND alien. They show the destruction he could cause if he wanted to. They show him to be fallible. They show him trying to learn who he is, and how to be that man. I believe in future movies they will show him to grow into that picture of perfection that all of you "too much sauce" people are whining about... but the dude has been Superman for all of 10 minutes in this movie. Both of his fathers are dead, they both present him with a confusing legacy, and the only people who could possibly understand what he's going through have just showed up to terraform the place and kill all these pesky humans.
By the way, folks complaining that he "didn't save enough people"... He saved the whole god damn planet people. All of it.
Perhaps DC uses the destruction in Metropolis as an angle to justify the existence of more heroes. Perhaps they use Zod's death as an inevitable point of contention between Superman and Batman. Maybe there is no god damn plan at all... I don't know. But I do know that I enjoyed this movie, and I look forward to seeing it again.
Obviously, this is all in fun... If you simply don't like the movie, then you just don't like it. I get it. Everybody hates a few movies. My anger is really more directed at the entitlement of the audience than the dislike of the film itself. Someone like Weapon Mods who simply hates the director, and doesn't like the tone of the film can be forgiven for such things (Even if they are so so wrong.)... But you bastards who just hate it because it's a new Superman movie can just please never see a movie again, I'm tired of hearing from you.
Anyway... I'm tired of typing this. So whatever. Here's a camel.
Wait, no... I'm not finished yet...
I wanted to add an extra bit here... I think this is partially the movie industry's fault for throwing around phrasing like "A more realistic take on Superman". Stop calling your comic book movies "More realistic" hollywood. Some people can't tell the difference between "more realistic" and "DARK! MOODY! BROODING!" and that's what starts these flame wars against movies before they are even released. I think what they mean by "more realistic" is that Superman wont be using his body as railroad tracks in this movie, or flying around the planet so fast that he reverses time.
Okay... that's it. I'm done. /endrant
And one more thing... Where was all the bitching when this line was uttered in another DC movie from the last few years "I'm not going to kill you... But I don't have to save you."
okay... NOW I'm really done. /endendrant.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Setting Your Heart A-Flutter
Happy Valentines Day readers! In the United States there is a divorce every 13 seconds! And 50% of all marriages end in divorce!
Enjoy the chocolate!
 |
| These two might actually just be singing a duet now that I look at it... |
Enjoy the chocolate!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Parker!?
I got my first comic book when I was in second or third grade. It was a reprint of the issue where Spider-Man returns from the Secret Wars with his black suit. I think the series was called Marvel Tales or something like that... It was basically The Amazing Spider-Man issues from the 80's being reprinted in succession. It was sort of a spur of the moment gas station purchase while I was with my mom. I just remember seeing it on the rack and thinking "Hey, that looks cool".
I purchased it, and read it many times, but that did not really start my comic obsession yet. So when people ask me what the first comic I bought was, I usually don't count that one unless we're getting technical. Both because it was a reprint, and because it didn't really get me into comics.
The "first comic" I usually cite, is Amazing Spider-Man #374.
A while after that Marvel Tales purchase, maybe even a year or so, I was on my way to a Boy Scouts camping trip with my father, and Dad stopped at, again, a gas station for some drinks and such. Upon glancing on the comic rack, I see this calling my name:
This was my first introduction to the character of Venom, who came about from the suit Spider-Man brought back in the aforementioned reprint comic. This issue started me collecting. Suddenly I could not get enough of these things. I was saving every dime I could scrape up from grass cutting and whatever else just to afford as many of the (then $1.25) books I could manage. Many opinions were solidified in me by these first readings of Spider-Man... Some of them are as follows:
Anyway, around this time in my life I was starting to ride the bus to my grandparents after school. I'm not sure if my grandmother saw an opportunity for me to become a better reader, or if she just wanted me to have something to look forward to after school, but for some reason she started buying me comics while she was out during the day and I was at school. And she was remarkable at it. One of my first days returning home from school I found this waiting for me:
Red foil cover and all. Who's Grandmother randomly buys something like that?! Mine. That's who. She did this for several years, and between that, and my own buying, I amassed quite a collection.
I branched out a little... I delved into Batman, Spawn, some of the X-books... But in the end I always came back to Spider-Man... Always followed Spider-Man... and he became quite an inspiration for me. I can honestly say that if Spider-Man hadn't been written the way he was back then, I might not be quite the person that I am today.
The reason I felt so close to this character, was the reason that we all become close to characters I think... I related to him. Social problems, relationship problems, family problems, guilt, uncertainty, guilt, guilt. This is Peter Parker. This is also me. From the time of my childhood, to my current adulthood, and I'm sure into my later life, I resonated perfectly with all of these concepts, and watching Peter Parker triumph over them all really did affect me in ways that I still feel today.
There were lots of differences, sure. I mean I didn't get anybody killed (though you'd think it sometimes). Also, the school bullies aren't always just misunderstood 'not so bad' guys, and the girls pretty much never actually like the nerd it seems. Also, I cant lift a car, or dodge machine gun fire...Yet. And as far as I know there are no super villains hunting me. But all in all, I felt like I knew Peter Parker, and I knew how he would think.
For several years I followed comics closely until something went wrong... Spider-Man lost.
I don't remember the exact and ridiculous storyline... But it went something like... Chameleon had replaced Peter's 'back from the dead' parents with robots right? And they were secretly stringing him along in some weird ass revenge scheme over the death of Kraven the hunter waaaaaaay back in the FANTASTIC "Kraven's Last Hunt". So finally the parents strike, and the father goes all T-1000 on Peter and tried to kill him, but mother robot had grown to love him so she sacrifices herself to destroy them both and save Peter. So Peter goes all dark and stuff? And he wants to hunt down Chameleon and kill that bastard. So there are a few books where he nearly beats some super villains to death trying to find the chameleon and finally he tracks him down, beats him to a pulp, but decides not to kill him... THEN he discovers that the REAL mastermind behind it all was none other than the already dead Harry Osborn, aka The Green Goblin!
Got all that?
Anyway... Peter cracks under the pressure, and stopped being light hearted Spider-Man and started being grumbly, angry Bruce Wayne in a Spider-Man costume. It just didn't feel right anymore... but I kept reading... for a little while longer...
In marched the clone saga... And I kept reading... They brought out Ben Reilly, Peter's long lost clone, as a new Spider-Man... I kept reading. They decided to tell me that Ben was actually the original Peter, and the Peter I had been following for years was a clone... I kept reading. But finally, the last straw was when they said "Nevermind all that testing we did, Peter is real, and Ben is the clone." and then revealed Norman Osborn, the original Green Goblin who died in the 70's, to randomly be alive again, and behind the whole clone saga and everything. They basically took maybe one of the most significant deaths in comics history and erased it for the sake of tying up loose ends. I was, and still am, appalled.
But you may be surprised to hear what I think is the most disappointing thing about the clone saga. The most disappointing thing is that they could have given Peter Parker a happy ending, and they didn't. At the time, Mary Jane was pregnant with clone Peter's child, he had retired from being Spider-Man, and was letting Ben take over. They should have left it that way. At least for a while. Why not give the Marvel universe's favorite punching bag a few years of happiness? Maybe I was speaking for myself more than Peter at the time, but in any case I just couldn't keep reading this crap anymore.
I stopped buying comics, and have only in the last few years started picking up a few here and there. Mostly I just buy the trade paperbacks. I'm more interested in the stories than the collecting these days. But I've noticed a disturbing trend in comic books these days. Too much 'Major Event!!!!!!!'.
I don't know if it started with clone saga and Onslaught, and whatever else was happening around that time, because as I said, I stopped reading for about ten years... But somewhere along the line, comic companies decided the only way to sell their products was to have a major event every other week, and kill kill kill all the major characters in the most horrible ways possible, then inexplicably bring them back to life a few months to a year later.
In the last six years or so of comic reading, I have witnessed:
Showing my age here... But in the old days you didn't need all this. You could have one issue, and two issue stories... leading into one thing or another. Maybe a big event every few years. If you had a dark comic, you wrote a dark comic, with the occasional light moments. If you had a light comic, you wrote a light comic with occasional dark moments. And you killed or seriously injured characters WITH CARE, not seemingly every month. Kraven's Last Hunt was special. Knightfall was special. Killing Joke was special. You FELT those books.
But anyway, I guess somebody must be buying this crap because they keep making it for years and years. So what do I know... Just what I like I guess.
But even if I never pick up another Spider-Man book again, I will always carry the memories of coming home from school to find new books, and learning all I can from them. Much literacy and life lessons can be attributed to them and for that I will be forever thankful.
So, even though you're dead right now (again), thank you Peter Parker. Until next time.
I purchased it, and read it many times, but that did not really start my comic obsession yet. So when people ask me what the first comic I bought was, I usually don't count that one unless we're getting technical. Both because it was a reprint, and because it didn't really get me into comics.
The "first comic" I usually cite, is Amazing Spider-Man #374.
A while after that Marvel Tales purchase, maybe even a year or so, I was on my way to a Boy Scouts camping trip with my father, and Dad stopped at, again, a gas station for some drinks and such. Upon glancing on the comic rack, I see this calling my name:
This was my first introduction to the character of Venom, who came about from the suit Spider-Man brought back in the aforementioned reprint comic. This issue started me collecting. Suddenly I could not get enough of these things. I was saving every dime I could scrape up from grass cutting and whatever else just to afford as many of the (then $1.25) books I could manage. Many opinions were solidified in me by these first readings of Spider-Man... Some of them are as follows:
- Venom was a pretty good villain, but was at his best as a slightly deranged anti-hero.
- It is perfectly acceptable for Peter Parker to be a married adult with adult problems instead of teenage ones. It does not take away from his character, it actually makes it much stronger.
- Mark Bagley was the best Spider-Man artist I ever saw.
- The black suit is still much much cooler than the red and blue.
Anyway, around this time in my life I was starting to ride the bus to my grandparents after school. I'm not sure if my grandmother saw an opportunity for me to become a better reader, or if she just wanted me to have something to look forward to after school, but for some reason she started buying me comics while she was out during the day and I was at school. And she was remarkable at it. One of my first days returning home from school I found this waiting for me:
Red foil cover and all. Who's Grandmother randomly buys something like that?! Mine. That's who. She did this for several years, and between that, and my own buying, I amassed quite a collection.
I branched out a little... I delved into Batman, Spawn, some of the X-books... But in the end I always came back to Spider-Man... Always followed Spider-Man... and he became quite an inspiration for me. I can honestly say that if Spider-Man hadn't been written the way he was back then, I might not be quite the person that I am today.
The reason I felt so close to this character, was the reason that we all become close to characters I think... I related to him. Social problems, relationship problems, family problems, guilt, uncertainty, guilt, guilt. This is Peter Parker. This is also me. From the time of my childhood, to my current adulthood, and I'm sure into my later life, I resonated perfectly with all of these concepts, and watching Peter Parker triumph over them all really did affect me in ways that I still feel today.
There were lots of differences, sure. I mean I didn't get anybody killed (though you'd think it sometimes). Also, the school bullies aren't always just misunderstood 'not so bad' guys, and the girls pretty much never actually like the nerd it seems. Also, I cant lift a car, or dodge machine gun fire...Yet. And as far as I know there are no super villains hunting me. But all in all, I felt like I knew Peter Parker, and I knew how he would think.
For several years I followed comics closely until something went wrong... Spider-Man lost.
I don't remember the exact and ridiculous storyline... But it went something like... Chameleon had replaced Peter's 'back from the dead' parents with robots right? And they were secretly stringing him along in some weird ass revenge scheme over the death of Kraven the hunter waaaaaaay back in the FANTASTIC "Kraven's Last Hunt". So finally the parents strike, and the father goes all T-1000 on Peter and tried to kill him, but mother robot had grown to love him so she sacrifices herself to destroy them both and save Peter. So Peter goes all dark and stuff? And he wants to hunt down Chameleon and kill that bastard. So there are a few books where he nearly beats some super villains to death trying to find the chameleon and finally he tracks him down, beats him to a pulp, but decides not to kill him... THEN he discovers that the REAL mastermind behind it all was none other than the already dead Harry Osborn, aka The Green Goblin!
Got all that?
Anyway... Peter cracks under the pressure, and stopped being light hearted Spider-Man and started being grumbly, angry Bruce Wayne in a Spider-Man costume. It just didn't feel right anymore... but I kept reading... for a little while longer...
In marched the clone saga... And I kept reading... They brought out Ben Reilly, Peter's long lost clone, as a new Spider-Man... I kept reading. They decided to tell me that Ben was actually the original Peter, and the Peter I had been following for years was a clone... I kept reading. But finally, the last straw was when they said "Nevermind all that testing we did, Peter is real, and Ben is the clone." and then revealed Norman Osborn, the original Green Goblin who died in the 70's, to randomly be alive again, and behind the whole clone saga and everything. They basically took maybe one of the most significant deaths in comics history and erased it for the sake of tying up loose ends. I was, and still am, appalled.
But you may be surprised to hear what I think is the most disappointing thing about the clone saga. The most disappointing thing is that they could have given Peter Parker a happy ending, and they didn't. At the time, Mary Jane was pregnant with clone Peter's child, he had retired from being Spider-Man, and was letting Ben take over. They should have left it that way. At least for a while. Why not give the Marvel universe's favorite punching bag a few years of happiness? Maybe I was speaking for myself more than Peter at the time, but in any case I just couldn't keep reading this crap anymore.
I stopped buying comics, and have only in the last few years started picking up a few here and there. Mostly I just buy the trade paperbacks. I'm more interested in the stories than the collecting these days. But I've noticed a disturbing trend in comic books these days. Too much 'Major Event!!!!!!!'.
I don't know if it started with clone saga and Onslaught, and whatever else was happening around that time, because as I said, I stopped reading for about ten years... But somewhere along the line, comic companies decided the only way to sell their products was to have a major event every other week, and kill kill kill all the major characters in the most horrible ways possible, then inexplicably bring them back to life a few months to a year later.
In the last six years or so of comic reading, I have witnessed:
- Spider-Man dies 3 times (counting ultimate comics) all in STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID WAYS. BADBADBADBADBADBAD.
- Peter Parker's marriage to Mary Jane is magically and stupidly erased by Mephisto because some mouth breather thought it made the character seem "too old".
- Captain America is assassinated with BULLETS that cause him to BLEED EVERYWHERE and then later we're told that they are magical bullets that just transported his soul back in time.
- Batman is killed by Darkseid and left as a fleshless corpse in a tattered costume but later we're told, again, his soul was just sent back in time, no biggie.
- The Aunt May who so memorably and poignantly passed on in Amazing Spider-Man #400 is revealed to have just been... you know... another clone, and god damn Norman Osborn had the real Aunt May locked in his fucking basement or something.
- DC comics killed and rebooted their whole universe like 14 times.
Showing my age here... But in the old days you didn't need all this. You could have one issue, and two issue stories... leading into one thing or another. Maybe a big event every few years. If you had a dark comic, you wrote a dark comic, with the occasional light moments. If you had a light comic, you wrote a light comic with occasional dark moments. And you killed or seriously injured characters WITH CARE, not seemingly every month. Kraven's Last Hunt was special. Knightfall was special. Killing Joke was special. You FELT those books.
But anyway, I guess somebody must be buying this crap because they keep making it for years and years. So what do I know... Just what I like I guess.
But even if I never pick up another Spider-Man book again, I will always carry the memories of coming home from school to find new books, and learning all I can from them. Much literacy and life lessons can be attributed to them and for that I will be forever thankful.
So, even though you're dead right now (again), thank you Peter Parker. Until next time.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Tell Me When It's Over...
I'm not a particularly squeamish person... I am a grown adult (physically anyway), but even as a child I wasn't too badly hounded by terrors. Actually I would almost venture to say that I had less phobias as a child than I do today. I was never really afraid of the dark. Snakes do not haunt my nightmares. Nor do spiders or the like. I do have a problem with parasitic insects which I'll discuss in the next post... But for the most part I don't have an excessive amount of your "normal" phobias.
So I'm pretty tough right? Manly.
No... Not really. You see the whole purpose of that paragraph above, was to prepare you to be swept up in whatever hilarity / life lesson / touching story I'm about to hit you with next (oh the suspense... which will it be!?). It's sort of my 'thing' I suppose.
So this evening we're going to discuss some scenes in movies and such, that this previously mentioned grown adult, still cannot watch with both eyes open.
When I was very young, I spent the night at a friend's house in Charleston... He had HBO and a gigantic sectional couch. We fell asleep in his living room one evening watching some movie or another. This would have been the early 90's I suppose.
At some point during the night, I woke up and my eyes focused upon the TV. My mind immediately locked upon the actor and said "Hey, that's Arnold Schwarzenegger" (really proud of myself for spelling that without looking it up... henceforth in this post he shall be referred to as 'Arnold').
So there was Arnold on the screen... Looking like he was having a rough time. He's standing in a dingy bathroom looking at himself in the mirror. "What's he doing I wonder... and why does he look so fucked up?" (Okay, I probably didn't say 'Fucked up' even in my mind at this point... but you get the idea).
So then Arnold proceeds to take a razor blade and cut out his eye.
This is of course the scene in the original Terminator where the battle damaged T-800 removes his eye to reveal the red glowing dot, and dons the big black sunglasses.
I had no idea what I was looking at at the time as I was recovering from my sleep. I had not seen the original Terminator yet... I actually saw the second one before the first.... And I'm pretty sure I hadn't even viewed the second one yet at this point. But I knew that whatever it was, it was very very bothersome to my sensibilities. I knew that I did not want this fellow to cut out his eye, and that if he just absolutely HAD to cut out his eye, I did not want to witness it. CUT. OUT. HIS. EYE.
Now, as I've grown older this scene has settled with me, and I'm no longer particularly bothered by it. I only include it here because it was sort of the first movie I ever saw that I had to say "Yep... I'm not going to be looking directly at that. Call me when it's over."
With that said, lets move on to some newer fare shall we?
Anybody see Prometheus last Summer? No? Just me and Weapon Mods huh? He didn't review that one did he? Hmm...
Well if you did manage to see it, you may remember (how could you forget?) a little scene where a poor "impregnated by the alien spawn in her husbands body" lady is forced to give herself a C-Section in order to avoid being exploded from the inside by a rapidly growing alien creature. She manages to get the thing removed, and then staples (yes, staples.) her stomach back together.
Wow folks. Just wow. I watched this movie again last night, and let me state for the record that I LOVED this movie, but that scene did not get any easier to view.
Next up, another Arnold offering.
Remember that remake of the Colin Farrell movie that Arnold made back in the early 90's? Total Recall? (That was a joke guys, please don't letter-bomb my office, we just got this place cleaned up.)
Toward the end of that film, there is a scene where, through various circumstances, Arnold and the female lead end up lying unprotected upon the surface of Mars. What happens next will be sort of difficult for me to explain. There is a lot of face expanding, and eye bulging, and Arnold makes "AUGHUAHGHAUHGUHAHGUHGUAHUGHUAUGHH" noises. Their faces turn red and swell up... and it's just awful alright?
Well a big machine generates a magical atmosphere for Mars just in time to save them. And somehow, their faces return to normal... I'd think they would be fucked up for life after that? Hmm... Hollywood eh?
How about Cast Away? This is one of my favorite movies, and Tom Hanks is one of my favorite actors.
There are a lot of really emotionally rough scenes in this movie. But none of these are the focus of my writings. That's right... You know where I'm going, don't you? Removing his own infected tooth with the edge of an ice skate by pounding on the end of the skate with a big rock? Holy fuck. That would hurt. I want no part of that scene. I will watch it... sort of... but ow. Just ow.
Now we get to the mother of all "I don't want to look..." movie scenes... It has to be Robocop. The original, unedited scene in Robocop, where he is 'killed' by the thugs at the beginning.
I cannot watch this scene. The others on this list, I see them, and it's like "Hmm... bothersome." But this one... When I see it I think "I'm going to go get a drink... No no... No need to pause it. I'll be back when the screaming stops."
It's not so much what happens in the scene, as it is Peter Weller's facial expressions during it. Particularly when his hand is removed. It's just awful guys.
80's... you were fucked up, okay? Stay away from me.
There were a few runners up in this... I considered Kill Bill: Volume 2, where Uma Thurman crushes that girl's eye between her toes? Seems like there was something in Event Horizon too but it's not coming to me right now. So uh... The end.
So I'm pretty tough right? Manly.
No... Not really. You see the whole purpose of that paragraph above, was to prepare you to be swept up in whatever hilarity / life lesson / touching story I'm about to hit you with next (oh the suspense... which will it be!?). It's sort of my 'thing' I suppose.
So this evening we're going to discuss some scenes in movies and such, that this previously mentioned grown adult, still cannot watch with both eyes open.
When I was very young, I spent the night at a friend's house in Charleston... He had HBO and a gigantic sectional couch. We fell asleep in his living room one evening watching some movie or another. This would have been the early 90's I suppose.
At some point during the night, I woke up and my eyes focused upon the TV. My mind immediately locked upon the actor and said "Hey, that's Arnold Schwarzenegger" (really proud of myself for spelling that without looking it up... henceforth in this post he shall be referred to as 'Arnold').
So there was Arnold on the screen... Looking like he was having a rough time. He's standing in a dingy bathroom looking at himself in the mirror. "What's he doing I wonder... and why does he look so fucked up?" (Okay, I probably didn't say 'Fucked up' even in my mind at this point... but you get the idea).
So then Arnold proceeds to take a razor blade and cut out his eye.
This is of course the scene in the original Terminator where the battle damaged T-800 removes his eye to reveal the red glowing dot, and dons the big black sunglasses.
I had no idea what I was looking at at the time as I was recovering from my sleep. I had not seen the original Terminator yet... I actually saw the second one before the first.... And I'm pretty sure I hadn't even viewed the second one yet at this point. But I knew that whatever it was, it was very very bothersome to my sensibilities. I knew that I did not want this fellow to cut out his eye, and that if he just absolutely HAD to cut out his eye, I did not want to witness it. CUT. OUT. HIS. EYE.
Now, as I've grown older this scene has settled with me, and I'm no longer particularly bothered by it. I only include it here because it was sort of the first movie I ever saw that I had to say "Yep... I'm not going to be looking directly at that. Call me when it's over."
With that said, lets move on to some newer fare shall we?
Anybody see Prometheus last Summer? No? Just me and Weapon Mods huh? He didn't review that one did he? Hmm...
Well if you did manage to see it, you may remember (how could you forget?) a little scene where a poor "impregnated by the alien spawn in her husbands body" lady is forced to give herself a C-Section in order to avoid being exploded from the inside by a rapidly growing alien creature. She manages to get the thing removed, and then staples (yes, staples.) her stomach back together.
Wow folks. Just wow. I watched this movie again last night, and let me state for the record that I LOVED this movie, but that scene did not get any easier to view.
Next up, another Arnold offering.
Remember that remake of the Colin Farrell movie that Arnold made back in the early 90's? Total Recall? (That was a joke guys, please don't letter-bomb my office, we just got this place cleaned up.)
Toward the end of that film, there is a scene where, through various circumstances, Arnold and the female lead end up lying unprotected upon the surface of Mars. What happens next will be sort of difficult for me to explain. There is a lot of face expanding, and eye bulging, and Arnold makes "AUGHUAHGHAUHGUHAHGUHGUAHUGHUAUGHH" noises. Their faces turn red and swell up... and it's just awful alright?
Well a big machine generates a magical atmosphere for Mars just in time to save them. And somehow, their faces return to normal... I'd think they would be fucked up for life after that? Hmm... Hollywood eh?
How about Cast Away? This is one of my favorite movies, and Tom Hanks is one of my favorite actors.
There are a lot of really emotionally rough scenes in this movie. But none of these are the focus of my writings. That's right... You know where I'm going, don't you? Removing his own infected tooth with the edge of an ice skate by pounding on the end of the skate with a big rock? Holy fuck. That would hurt. I want no part of that scene. I will watch it... sort of... but ow. Just ow.
Now we get to the mother of all "I don't want to look..." movie scenes... It has to be Robocop. The original, unedited scene in Robocop, where he is 'killed' by the thugs at the beginning.
I cannot watch this scene. The others on this list, I see them, and it's like "Hmm... bothersome." But this one... When I see it I think "I'm going to go get a drink... No no... No need to pause it. I'll be back when the screaming stops."
It's not so much what happens in the scene, as it is Peter Weller's facial expressions during it. Particularly when his hand is removed. It's just awful guys.
80's... you were fucked up, okay? Stay away from me.
There were a few runners up in this... I considered Kill Bill: Volume 2, where Uma Thurman crushes that girl's eye between her toes? Seems like there was something in Event Horizon too but it's not coming to me right now. So uh... The end.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Curious Behavior
I talk to myself a lot.
Sometimes it is sensible, person to person conversation (minus one person), and sometimes it is nonsense... gibberish... I'll speak to myself in imaginary languages that have no meaning. Just random sounds. Sometimes I'll yell nonsense words. "MALARKEY!!", "CHEEZ-IT ASSAULT!!!", "EXPLODED BOLOGNA SANDWICH!!", none of these things would be uncommon to hear around my house.
Lately I've taken to saying one thing to myself, and then I will repeat it loudly in a British accent, as if I am surprised and enraged by what I've just said. For instance this evening I was making rice, which called for two cups of water. I said aloud to myself "Two cups of water." and then my angry British counterpart said "TWO WHOLE CUPS!? ARE YOU DAFT!?".
Sometimes I grab the sides of my dog's face and I yell "FACE!!!". She doesn't seem to mind much, but it's odd that a creature who could simply maul me to death would put up with that. Sometimes I'll wrap her entire head in a towel, and she'll just sit there... towel covered face... staring at the inside of the towel... Weighing options. "Do I really need this human to keep providing me with food?"
When I get home in the evenings, if one of my neighbors is outside, I will sit in my car until they go away in order to avoid any awkward 'neighborly' greetings. I will pretend to go through my mail (there is always loose mail somewhere in my car), or I will act like I'm looking for something over my shoulder in the back seat. Sometimes I'll aimlessly dig through my glove box, or clean out the console. Just any old activity so it looks like I'm engaged in something other than "waiting for you to go away."
If it appears that they are doing yard work or something that is likely to keep them outside I will forgo this ritual, and leave my vehicle, hoping that they will not notice me. But I will not enjoy it. Not one bit.
It also works in the reverse... If I walk out my door to go to my car, and I hear or see one of my neighbors coming out to their car at the same time, I will act as if I forgot something in the house and go back inside until they've left. Doesn't matter if I'm late for work or whatever.
I just really hate that fake waving and head nodding 'how ya doin?" nonsense. I don't know these people... couldn't tell you any of their first or last names... and I'm fairly certain they don't really give half a shit about how I am doing.
I hold doors for people. Sometimes. There are rules that must be followed. My calculation for door holding is as follows: distance from door / rate of speed x obvious handicap. Obviously I don't bother to come up with an actual number (though perhaps I should create a true rating system of some sort), but it's more of a fictional number that I gather from what is before me. You take the distance and the rate of speed, and that pretty well tells you whether you're going to be standing there a long time, looking awkward. However, if there is an obvious handicap to this individual, then courtesy generally dictates that you wait a little longer than normal. Occasionally this system will fail. You'll hold a door for someone, and they'll walk on by, or they'll stop to smoke a cigarette or something and pay you no mind. But usually it's fairly foolproof.
I've noticed that women typically are better about saying 'thank you' for such things. Men will nod, or completely ignore you. Perhaps door holding is an assault upon masculinity.
Recently when leaving a restaurant, and running the door holding calculation for some people (the numbers were not in their favor) I devised an amusing game in which you make eye contact with someone way way far out on the lot, completely ignore the calculations, and hold the door for them, while maintaining steady eye contact all the way. I wonder if they would speed up? Or maybe act like they forgot something in the car, and come back later.
I burn things on purpose when cooking. It is delicious.
I hope my neighbors aren't reading this.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Esteemed Friends...
I feel like I probably owe a post since I haven't touched this thing yet in the year of 2013. I even skipped my obligatory "I didn't accomplish anything in 2012. Life is still exactly the same as always." post (Don't worry, I wont try to sneak it into this one).
So I've decided that, to fill my quota, I will take this time to thank all of you other publications out there for keeping me entertained during the long days in my office. I'll probably be fired for this... Advertising the competition and all... But the bosses did tell me to post "Something".
Slacker Conservative: Your humor laced tirades on the sad realities of politics, and life always manage to crack me up (in the saddest, most depressing way). Thank you for making the sometimes unpopular statements. I don't always agree, and I don't always disagree, but this guy knows how to make an argument. Just don't ask him to open any doors in Hyrule (or me either for that matter).
A Little Unfocused: Your random life musings sometimes remind me of my own mental question and answer sessions. It is a nice contrast to read about someone who is both searching for the best possible life, yet appreciative of all they have at the same time.
The Only Girl Playing: I am glad to see some new posts lately after an absence. This blog follows two stories and reads like a sci-fi, or fantasy story. It's nice to get a look at the world you folks have created, and I look forward to reading more.
Whispering Yak: I still think you should be banned from the Internet. But sometimes the things you find are hilarious (when they're not giving me nightmares).
Point of Aim: You only posted once... and the gods, along with myself, laughed heartily. Please return.
Forbidden Thoughts From Merghast the Unbindable: Another slightly infrequent, but high quality offering. The most recent "Release" conjured memories of all the special moments I shared with the early Nintendo systems. I welcome your writings whenever they arrive.
Well I guess that wraps things up... Seems like I'm forgetting somebody... but oh well. Guess not.
Just kidding.
Weapon Mods: Ohhhh Weapon Mods... Where to start. Your editor is a god damn Excessively-Sized-Venom loving freak, and the nice lady at the front desk is waaaay underpaid. But if it weren't for your prodding, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this nonsense. I laugh loudly, and often at your stories, and I too share a hatred of people making chewing noises. Thank you for the years of amusement, and let us never discuss "Segmented" again.
Well that wraps it up for this little post. I know that I may possibly be the most socially inept, and usually absent, of the group, but I feel fortunate to know you all. Thanks for reading, have a belated happy 2013, and keep fighting the good fight of keeping me entertained while I'm supposed to be working. Goodnight.
So I've decided that, to fill my quota, I will take this time to thank all of you other publications out there for keeping me entertained during the long days in my office. I'll probably be fired for this... Advertising the competition and all... But the bosses did tell me to post "Something".
Slacker Conservative: Your humor laced tirades on the sad realities of politics, and life always manage to crack me up (in the saddest, most depressing way). Thank you for making the sometimes unpopular statements. I don't always agree, and I don't always disagree, but this guy knows how to make an argument. Just don't ask him to open any doors in Hyrule (or me either for that matter).
A Little Unfocused: Your random life musings sometimes remind me of my own mental question and answer sessions. It is a nice contrast to read about someone who is both searching for the best possible life, yet appreciative of all they have at the same time.
The Only Girl Playing: I am glad to see some new posts lately after an absence. This blog follows two stories and reads like a sci-fi, or fantasy story. It's nice to get a look at the world you folks have created, and I look forward to reading more.
Whispering Yak: I still think you should be banned from the Internet. But sometimes the things you find are hilarious (when they're not giving me nightmares).
Point of Aim: You only posted once... and the gods, along with myself, laughed heartily. Please return.
Forbidden Thoughts From Merghast the Unbindable: Another slightly infrequent, but high quality offering. The most recent "Release" conjured memories of all the special moments I shared with the early Nintendo systems. I welcome your writings whenever they arrive.
Well I guess that wraps things up... Seems like I'm forgetting somebody... but oh well. Guess not.
Just kidding.
Weapon Mods: Ohhhh Weapon Mods... Where to start. Your editor is a god damn Excessively-Sized-Venom loving freak, and the nice lady at the front desk is waaaay underpaid. But if it weren't for your prodding, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this nonsense. I laugh loudly, and often at your stories, and I too share a hatred of people making chewing noises. Thank you for the years of amusement, and let us never discuss "Segmented" again.
Well that wraps it up for this little post. I know that I may possibly be the most socially inept, and usually absent, of the group, but I feel fortunate to know you all. Thanks for reading, have a belated happy 2013, and keep fighting the good fight of keeping me entertained while I'm supposed to be working. Goodnight.
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