Sometimes it is sensible, person to person conversation (minus one person), and sometimes it is nonsense... gibberish... I'll speak to myself in imaginary languages that have no meaning. Just random sounds. Sometimes I'll yell nonsense words. "MALARKEY!!", "CHEEZ-IT ASSAULT!!!", "EXPLODED BOLOGNA SANDWICH!!", none of these things would be uncommon to hear around my house.
Lately I've taken to saying one thing to myself, and then I will repeat it loudly in a British accent, as if I am surprised and enraged by what I've just said. For instance this evening I was making rice, which called for two cups of water. I said aloud to myself "Two cups of water." and then my angry British counterpart said "TWO WHOLE CUPS!? ARE YOU DAFT!?".
Sometimes I grab the sides of my dog's face and I yell "FACE!!!". She doesn't seem to mind much, but it's odd that a creature who could simply maul me to death would put up with that. Sometimes I'll wrap her entire head in a towel, and she'll just sit there... towel covered face... staring at the inside of the towel... Weighing options. "Do I really need this human to keep providing me with food?"
When I get home in the evenings, if one of my neighbors is outside, I will sit in my car until they go away in order to avoid any awkward 'neighborly' greetings. I will pretend to go through my mail (there is always loose mail somewhere in my car), or I will act like I'm looking for something over my shoulder in the back seat. Sometimes I'll aimlessly dig through my glove box, or clean out the console. Just any old activity so it looks like I'm engaged in something other than "waiting for you to go away."
If it appears that they are doing yard work or something that is likely to keep them outside I will forgo this ritual, and leave my vehicle, hoping that they will not notice me. But I will not enjoy it. Not one bit.
It also works in the reverse... If I walk out my door to go to my car, and I hear or see one of my neighbors coming out to their car at the same time, I will act as if I forgot something in the house and go back inside until they've left. Doesn't matter if I'm late for work or whatever.
I just really hate that fake waving and head nodding 'how ya doin?" nonsense. I don't know these people... couldn't tell you any of their first or last names... and I'm fairly certain they don't really give half a shit about how I am doing.
I hold doors for people. Sometimes. There are rules that must be followed. My calculation for door holding is as follows: distance from door / rate of speed x obvious handicap. Obviously I don't bother to come up with an actual number (though perhaps I should create a true rating system of some sort), but it's more of a fictional number that I gather from what is before me. You take the distance and the rate of speed, and that pretty well tells you whether you're going to be standing there a long time, looking awkward. However, if there is an obvious handicap to this individual, then courtesy generally dictates that you wait a little longer than normal. Occasionally this system will fail. You'll hold a door for someone, and they'll walk on by, or they'll stop to smoke a cigarette or something and pay you no mind. But usually it's fairly foolproof.
I've noticed that women typically are better about saying 'thank you' for such things. Men will nod, or completely ignore you. Perhaps door holding is an assault upon masculinity.
Recently when leaving a restaurant, and running the door holding calculation for some people (the numbers were not in their favor) I devised an amusing game in which you make eye contact with someone way way far out on the lot, completely ignore the calculations, and hold the door for them, while maintaining steady eye contact all the way. I wonder if they would speed up? Or maybe act like they forgot something in the car, and come back later.
I burn things on purpose when cooking. It is delicious.
I hope my neighbors aren't reading this.
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