Dark Secrets... Almost Forgotten. But Not Quite...

I'm sorry Patrick. The story must be told.

This is the story of how two self professed "gamers" met their most bitter and humiliating defeat at the hands... of a door.


It was the summer of 1999. I was lazily wasting away the day replaying Final Fantasy VII for about the 50th time, when my friend Pat calls.

He is playing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. A game that I had played and finished myself not 6 months prior.

Patrick has a problem.

"I'm in this ice cavern" he says "I'm at the very end of the map... there is one more room, and a door... but I cant figure out how to get this damn door open."

"Hmmm" I think to myself. "I don't quite remember that... Let me start up my game and walk you through it."

And so I did...

I loaded up my game that was saved just before the final castle. My Link is equipped with every piece of gear and every upgrade available in the game.

This ice cavern... is about to meet it's match!

So I called my trusty steed Epona and traversed the land of Hyrule. Back into the adult Link's version of Zora's Domain which had frozen over. Creating the dreaded cavern that had so far befuddled my friend.

I smugly entered the cave and dispatched all resistance on the way to our goal. My superior gear and past experience would lead me to victory here. I needed nothing and no one.

Finally I arrived at the door in question. Master Sword in hand I surveyed the area... "Hmmm... " I thought "There appears to be no obvious Zelda puzzle door trappings here..."

There was no timed switch...

There was no block puzzle...

There was no target to shoot at to open the door...

"Ahhhhh!!!" I thought... "I have the solution for this my friend..."

It was so obvious. How could he have missed it?

Ladies and gentlemen... I bombed the fuck out of that door.

Nothing.

Not even a scratch.


"Hmmmm... Perhaps... well maybe... I mean... Maybe it's a certain song you have to play on the ocarina?"

I knew I was reaching here already folks... There were none of the usual signs of an ocarina puzzle here... no plate on the floor or walls... I should have known already that I had failed. Failed my friend... Failed my people.

So I started playing songs for the door. All the while Pat is doing the same and trying all the tricks in his bag.

We casts spells at it. We bombed it. We shot arrows at it. We hit it with hammers, swords... Hell I even fired my hookshot at the damn thing. I guess I thought maybe all that "Hey!! Listen!!!" from Navi had been her trying to remind me about the hookshot's battering ram attachment.

Nothing. The door stood unfazed. Laughing at our pale attempts to breach it.

One of us had the bright idea that perhaps it had to be a certain time of the day. So we walked all the way outside and played the sun song and then all the way back in. Nothing.

Had both of our games somehow glitched on the same door at the same time? How had I passed through this cavern before. I knew that I had... because I remembered that there was a fight against some wolves on the other side. But how? How had I done it...?

Suddenly... There was an awkward silence on the phone.

"James..." said Pat... "Press A."

"Huh?" I replied.

"Walk to the door... and press A."

I walked to the door.
I pressed A.

It opened.